I dont remember the last time i logged in...nor do i remember writing any of the previous things posted... Life hasn't been the same. In fact im lost in a small ocean of obligations and uncomfortable feelings that i rather have not exist. Im in a place where nobody knows me, nor wants to know me. Im in a place in my life where im starting to question the loyalties of my oldest friendships. One of my friends moved away. Not far, even though it may seem so. Far enough to lose sight of him. He never called back after he left..in fact he didnt even call before he left, and simply put, he put his closest friends in an uncomfortable feeling of disarray. I hated it...and i hated him. Best friends should know better. After a month of disappearance..he had not called once...nor did he ever have the intentions to...and i wondered to myself if our friendship was simply a fact of the past, bounded only by the 5 years high school had to offer. Yes, im struggling with university life. Im struggling with having no one know me or even that i exist....with no one wanting to get to know me because that is what university tends to be. As i approached my conclusion, i realized that in the last 5 years..he had not called me once...not to go out...to go study...or anything else...maybe once or twice..when he needed help..or had a self beneficial question, and i simply decided..this one sided friendship had to end...I still see him from time to time...but i owe him no favors... Yesterday...I eyed this girl, this girl ive fallen so deeply...well not love..but the step before it?...and she walked passed me without even noticing me...and i absolutely resented that feeling that came over me, but i was simply overpowered. I wanted to break down right there on that street, because its never once happened before. It was perhaps a feeling that resided within me...that came from a source thats...self centered?..or perhaps..just narrow minded...i dont know..but whatever the reason maybe..it hurts to have had it happen. I met her a year ago. A very short time. Shes this..pretty little asian girl, kinda cute..kinda corky, but her innocence was only skin deep. Dont get me wrong..shes not a raging slut or a gold-digger..or liar or what not, but she had a very ...powerful sense of humor..and she was very open minded to..what girls mostly refer to as a "perverted joke"..Being the comedian-wanna be like person i am, i always tried to make her laugh..always tried to make her smile...and i really put myself out there this time, because i really wanted to make it happen. Unfortunatly, in her eyes i was..and will always be..nothing more than.."just a good friend"...words that still echo in my ear at a deafening decibal. I hate it...We were so great together...i made her laugh..and she'd always return the favor...We'd go out..have a great time, and life seemed to be at its finest...Yet somehow...she didnt see it happening..and it all started to spiral into an undefined area of my life. After spendings nights talking..getting to know each other...hanging out...and even in class...no matter how far we sat from each other...we'd be able to get our message across to each other...she saw nothing in me worth leaving in her mind...So she walked passed me...like a tree in the background that no one would ever take a second glance it...somethings thats just there...that supposedly has life and feeling...I was, at that point, something that was inanimate Is it disappointment that i feel..or perhaps hurt?..i really dont know..and im having a hard time descriminating against one another, but other closest friends are also on the verge of driving me insane...Im close to falling into an endless crater of negative emotion..a little too close.. Im put in a position where im so powerless to control my surroundings...really does make me feel inanimant. | 
kevin was being so queer ..not going skating with that gay kid no more...and like dere is other stuff = / but hay i better keep my pace on my spazzing or i might pull a muscle. I really haf no life ne more =.=" i dont go outz..and i dont feel very close to the pplz im around =.= LONER eh?..oh well..juz skool now i guess..but i hate that too how crummy...oh well =/ and yah im pessimistic but i prolly caught that from Christina =.= that lil ewwing bumb